"I'm not a racist, but do you remember how neat our galactic neighbourhood was before all the dark matter moved in and started overcrowding it?" #lawrencemiles

Physics and Christianity have this much in common: very dull creation stories. No fights, no incest, no monkey-gods. Bums on seats, people! #lawrencemiles

And a happy Cybermon Day to all our friends in Mondasian Jamaica! #cybermonday #lawrencemiles

Best thing about being in your 30's: watching a Bond movie without siding with the mid-life-crisis hero or the repressed-teenager villain. #lawrencemiles #po30

WAR TO END ALL WARS HAS FAULT THAT MAY ALLOW OTHER WARS TO START: "WE SHOULD HAVE IT FIXED BY 2.0," SAY EXPERTS #lawrencemiles

Under Mrs Thatcher, all children were injected with a shard from an evil goblin mirror that slowly works its way into the heart. #lawrencemiles

"My grandfather was a young man in the 1930s depression. He didn't riot. He got on his bike and joined the Communist Party. " #lawrencemiles

Does anyone else feel as if they've skipped an episode of Britain? I'm not following this new story-arc. #lawrencemiles

And on the sixth day, RobotGod created the seas, the rivers, the lakes, and the rainclouds. And on the seventh day, he rusted. #lawrencemiles #sopunny

MEGATRON, LEADER OF THE EVIL DECEPTICONS. Surprise and delight everyone by transforming into something nice. #lawrencemiles

news of the world #lawrencemiles

News describes the collapse of the Eurozone as "the nightmare scenario". Quite untrue: the nightmare scenario is "wasps learn invisibility". #lawrencemiles

"Stage one of the invasion is complete: they accept 5ive and Se7en as normal. Now we destroy their sense of numeracy with 9ix and Eig4t." #lawrencemiles

lol #lawrencemiles http://twitpic.com/4qhmog

Frankly, "he befriends paedophiles" is only the 16th worst thing about Prince Andrew. The top 15 are all variations on "he's Prince Andrew". #lawrencemiles

Realising that there's no such thing as a talking dog, Velma removed the mask to reveal a 60-year-old fur fetishist with a speech disorder. #lawrencemiles

`#NewsFacts Before Vatican officials can beautify John Paul II, they have to practice on a special "Girl's World" model of a pope's head. #lawrencemiles

Hooray! There goes the end-of-level monster. Now we can go from the "Egypt" level to "Britain", where the baddies throw bowler hats at you. #lawrencemiles

When tragedy strikes, just remember: everything happens for a reason. And that reason is, "the world is bloody awful". #lawrencemiles