Dziś w pracy miałem niesamowitą rozmowę.
Ryłem ze śmiechu. Postanowiłęm więc napisać dramat, żeby nie było tak, że ja się tylko śmiałem. Wypowiedzi są prawie nie zmienione. Imiona i nazwiska zmienione.
DRAMAT W JĘZYKU ANGIELSKIM O FILOZOFII I CIEŚCIE
czyli rozmowa anestezjolga z urologiem
Dramatis personae:
ME: anesthetist
HASAN: urologist (mustache, asian accent)
WOLF: consultant urologist
AJID: Indian medical trainee
MICHAEL: English medical school student
PATIENT: unrecognisable man, about 76 years old, anesthetized
CHOIR: Nurses and ODPs (5)
Regional hospital in northern England.
Operating theatre. End of morning urology list.
Dr Hasan is sitting between the legs of the patient, continuously watching a screen and performing minimal movements of hands about the patient’s penis.
Joyful atmosphere:
*HASAN [as if continuing his story] :
...so I learnt most of my English from TV series. It was hilarious. I even acquired some of the phrases that I used in my daily life later.
[after a second or two]:
And you, how did you learn your English?
*ME:
I just learnt... I read... I watched movies… I dunno…
I’ve certainly made some progress recently since I came here. I can easily order a pint in a pub , but I don’t think my English is good enough to have a conversation about Kant.
*CHOIR
[silence]
*HASAN
You mean the German philosopher?
*ME
Yes: Immanuel Kant, I would not be able to have a proper philosophical...
*MICHAEL
What do you mean “manual Kant” ?
*ME and HASAN together
Immanuel !
*MICHAEL
E-manual? You mean you can see it on-line? Why would anyone need a manual?
*AJID
Can you get some pictures as well?
*ME
Yeah. Just google it.
Be carefull with the spelling though.
*HASAN
I’ll ask Dr Wolf. He is German. He will know...
[enters Dr Wolf. Steady, stiff gait. He is looking at the screen...]
*WOLF[German accent]
Leave the rest of the stone in the kidney. There is too much bleeding. We will reoperate when his INR is better. It has to do at the moment. Put the stent two inches below the stone.
[leaves]
[a minute passes]
*ME
You see?
Kant!
He followed a “Pure reason”.
A German feature.
You would expect some Kant philosophy in his medical education, wouldn’t ya?
*HASAN
Kant, innit?
*CHOIR
[silence]
[the anesthetist returns to the theatre after a break. He is holding a box (presumably food inside) and puts it aside]
*ME [addressing Hasan]
You see, my friend. English are strange people. They do not know who Kant was, and I have just got a “Spotted Dick” in the canteen.
*HASAN
You have got a “Spotted Dick”?
*ME
Well… Yeah. One pound eighty.
Do you want to see it?
*HASAN
No, not really. Just tell me how it looks like.
*ME
Just a small one. With custard.
Come on. You’re urologist, well educated person. You’ve been here for a while. Surely you know how Spotted Dick looks like. You want some?
*AJID
Can I have some.
*ME
[looking towards the Indian boy]
[silence]
*CHOIR
Go you bugger. Go back to Poland and take your Spotted Dick with ya.
[Curtain]
(to był mój przedostatni dzień pracy w UK)
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