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Archiwum

cheeseandonion
cheeseandonion
  • 1
A Turk, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are traveling on a train.

The compartment gets warm, so the Frenchman opens the window and a fly buzzes in. Wanting to show off, the Frenchman swiftly draws his sword and with one strike, the fly is split in half. As the others look on in amazement, the Frenchman hands out his business card, which reads: "France's Best Swordsman."

Seeing this, the Englishman opens the window and lets another fly in. He quickly pulls out an arrow, shoots, and the fly sticks to the wall, dead. He then gives out his business card, which proclaims him as "England's Best Archer."

Not
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cheeseandonion
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  • 0
One day Joe comes home to see a big ass gorilla on his roof. Joe goes inside and Googles "Gorilla Removal Services" and sure enough there's a guy in his area, so he calls him up. A little later a guy rolls up in a van and he's dressed in a full-on realistic-looking gorilla suit.

The guy starts taking stuff out of his van to get ready and Joe is a bit skeptical, but thinks he must know what he's doing. First the guy opens the side door and huge nasty looking rottweiler gets out and sits by at attention, staring at the gorilla. Then the guy retrieves a ladder, a baseball bat and a shotgun.

"Okay I'm gonna use the ladder to get on the roof, then I'll fool the gorilla into thinking I'm friendly, then I'm gonna knock him off the roof with the baseball bat. The dog is trained to bite down on the gorilla's genitals until I come down and give the command to let go"

Joe
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cheeseandonion
cheeseandonion
  • 6
A workman is 5 floors up at a construction site and realizes he forgot his hammer...

He leans over the edge of the building and sees his friend on the ground floor. He shouts down to him "Hey buddy I need my hammer." His friends looks up but motions to his ears that he can't hear him.

The workman, thinking quickly, decides to sign out what he wants. He points to his eye for "I," his knee for "need," and then makes a hand motion for his hammer.

His
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cheeseandonion
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  • 0
A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.

A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.

Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bruises.

"What's
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cheeseandonion
cheeseandonion
  • 1
40 Gypsies arrived at heaven's gates.

St Peter said "we've only got room for 12, so decide among yourselves who is coming in.

Five minutes later St Peter says to God, "They've gone."

God
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cheeseandonion
cheeseandonion
  • 4
A gynecologist had become fed up and was burned out, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When
  • 3
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cheeseandonion
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  • 0
In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I want to ask you something that's bothered me for many a day. Please tell me the truth...is Aiden really my son?"

Mary says "Seamus, as God is my witness I swear on all that's good and holy that Aiden is indeed your child."

With that Seamus breathed a sigh of relief, his last breath in this world. Mary closed his eyes, pulled the blanket over his face and said:


  • 1
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cheeseandonion
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  • 0
A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, "did anyone see a gorilla run through here?"

The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, "you mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?"

The lion exclaims, "oh my god! It's in the paper already?"
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cheeseandonion
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  • 2
So there's three guys in the woods and they're walking and they find a genie lamp. They rub it and the genie pops out. He goes I'm going to grant each of you three wishes. The first guy without thinking says, I want a billion dollars. Poof, deposit slip, billion dollars in the bank. Awesome. Second guy, I want to be the richest guy in the world. Okay, so poof deposit slip, trillion dollars in the bank. Awesome. The third guy goes, I want my right arm to rotate counter clockwise for the rest of my life. Alright, boom, guys arm starts spinning.



It's time for your second wishes.

The
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cheeseandonion
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  • 2
A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"
The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against
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cheeseandonion
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  • 5
"Woman with large vagina"

A woman goes to a gynaecologist for an examination. She gets up on the examining table, her feet up in the stirrups, in position to be examined. The doctor looks between her legs and says "My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina. My, what a large vagina". The woman asks "How many times must you say that?" The doctor replies
  • 1
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cheeseandonion
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  • 2
A Scottish man moves to Canada, one day he decides to visit a local bar, he notices an animal head framed and put in the wall, he asks the Bartender what is it

"a moose" said the Bartender

"fock me, how big are the cats here ?!" said the Scot

#cheeheszki #kawalzreddit
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  • 1
A lady lost her handbag..

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”

The
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  • 0
A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."

The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally, her dress slides off and puddles on the floor.

"Now,
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cheeseandonion
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  • 3
Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...
... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:

"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to the first guy, "and the other day it's the other".

And so they have a whale of time taking turns, enjoying their business together for one whole month. However, unfortunately, the woman dies after that month, because of a rotten banana or whatever. The two men mourn the loss of their playmate and partner for the following week. Then, one man goes to the other and says:
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  • 0
A mailman walking down the street saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of shit.
He had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.

The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said "Making a mailman.”

This pissed the mailman off. He went up the street, saw a fireman, and told him what the boy was doing and what a smartass the kid was. The fireman said that he would have a talk with the boy.
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