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Farezowsky +1506
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EpicElion +334
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(UPDATE: Fixed some annoying grammar stuff.)
If you like sarcastic humor, you'll enjoy this, otherwise, you may not enjoy it as much (based on comments).
I loved the story. But...there were some moments...that...well...
I’m normally a sarcastic person (but I try to be polite on the forums), and I wrote this right after I played ME3 originally, but after the EC, I thought back to going over the story and decided to rehash it. About 50% of it is the same as the old post; the rest is either added/changed.
Basically, a lot of Mass Effect can be…ridiculous. In a good way though, of course.
Warning – wall of text incoming, but it’s worth it (I hope). If you enjoy, please bump for the giggles.
My Shepard was male. If yours is female, just swap the pronouns. No offense intended at all.
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I. Mass Effect (1)
So, from the beginning, the Reapers had a pretty sweet plan overall. They'd wait until life was tasty enough, fire up the Citadel relay, then swoop in for some good old harvesting. They were polite enough to clean up after themselves before going and napping in Dark Space until their alarm clock from the Citadel woke them up.
We, of course, were lucky. Sovereign woke up, yawned, and decided that the fruit of life was pretty ripe for plucking. So he sent a signal, expecting to have lunch by noon. But it didn't work. The freaking Protheans, in a last act of defiance, somehow managed to hack Reaper tech and screw up the signal that Sovereign tried to send. Looks like the Reapers weren’t so thorough in ironing out all their wrinkles.
Must've been a WTF moment for Sovereign, who ended up sitting around for centuries trying to figure what happened, sending indoctrinated scouts. Maybe he was too stubborn to tell his buddies he failed, otherwise they would've come in within 3 years and harvested the galaxy while humanity still believed the Earth was flat. Anyways, good old Sovvy realized the Protheans changed the Keeper signal, and it was his job to go and return them to factory settings. The Catalyst for some reason didn't bother to help out and open its relay. Maybe, setting an example for Reaper underlings, the Catalyst was also taking an average nap of 50,000 years, which would've been kind of stupid, seeing as its future enemies were living inside it. But who knows.
Meanwhile, back in the Citadel, Shep finally presents proof to the Council of Saren’s evil-ness, and they grudgingly bestow the title of Spectre upon him to bring Saren to justice. The Turian Councilor would have used Air Quotes (9999 War Assets)* to dismiss Saren, but the latter is an important charcter and has plot immunity from such devastation. Along with fan favorites Urdnot “Shepard” Wrex and Garrus “The Calibrator” Vakarian, Tali’Zorah “Photoshop” (vas Normandy), and Alliance soldiers/marines Ashley “Whiny” Williams and Kaiden “Whiny” Alenko, they track down Saren and find out he’s been indoctrinated by Sovvy. There is a harsh standoff with Wrex, but like all problems in life, it can be quelled with the right levels of charm/intimidate. Despite having had centuries to hone the technology, the human nuke meant to decimate the base won’t go off, and Shepard has a difficult choice for him: choose whether Ashley or Kaiden is more annoying.
Shepard and Co. also meet Vigil, a Prothean VI who is helpful enough to tell all sorts of things about the Protheans’ downfall and the Reapers, but mysteriously omits a hypothetical superweapon that, if it existed, would be rather important to know about. Shep meets Sovvy as well, who informs them that the Reapers cull organic life every 50,000 years for reasons not yet determined by the writers.
In his time, Sovvy had probably talked with a lot of defiant organics, so he really didn't give a crap. Eventually, rather than contacting his boss the Catalyst (who probably could've opened the Citadel anyways), he decided to go on his own, ironically displaying the arrogance-over-efficiency mindset that machines don't have. Maybe the Catalyst was a cranky early-morning person and Sovvy thought he could deal with the situation before it went up the food chain. To avoid getting completely pulverized, he grabbed his favorite indoctrinee, hacked a few robots, and went to the Citadel, which unfortunately was not ideally built for direct access by a 1 kilometer large Reaper. Then we know what happened. Shepard defeated him, the galaxy was happy, and the Turian councilor could save his Air Quotes (9999 War Assets) for another day.
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II. Mass Effect 2
Then came ME2. Turns out Sovvy wasn't the only Reaper who was an early riser. Harbinger, apparently a random Reaper just chilling out in Deep Space, was controlling the Collectors, who had just recently gone on a human-colony-abduction spree. Carrying out their genetic experiments, Harby decided that biologically humanity, despite its defiant/aggressive, killing-a-Reaper psychological nature, would be a perfect species to ascend to machine/organic hybrid levels due to diversity. But he knew Shepard, for one, might have a problem with the whole turning-people-into-genetic-mush aspect of it and might be able to stop him. So he tried to eliminate Shepard by destroying his ship, the Normandy SR1.
By all extents, Shepard shouldn't have survived, but Cereberus managed to recover Shepard’s body with the help of Liara “Plotshield” T’Soni, an important character I should’ve mentioned earlier. Somehow, despite everything but his brain being squishy mush, Shepard was brought back to life, a brilliant plot device that allowed the entire galaxy to forget about Reapers without Shepard to keep mentioning them. Most of Shep's old pals were doing well. Wrex became the ruler of his species, Tali successfully completed her pilgrimage, Garrus became Batman on Omega, and Liara becomes a successful information broker. The only person who isn't thrilled to see you is A/K, who also conveniently hides during a boss fight when you fight off a lot of Collectors and whines at you after. The Council isn't much help, with Shepard’s Reaper theory being shot down by the Turian Councilor through Turian Councilor Air Quotes (9999 War Assets).
So Shepard went to secure a new squad. Think about who he gets. Garrus and Tali, an awesome soldier/bro and tech genius respectively; Miranda "Dat A" Lawson, a human genetically engineered to be perfect; Jack, the result of years of harsh genetic experimentation intended to create the most powerful human biotic; Samara, an Asari whose biotic skills are honed after centuries operating as a terrifying but revered vigilante; Thane, the galaxy's top assassin; Kasumi, the galaxy's top thief; Zaeed "Lone Survivor" Massani, the galaxy's most highly priced mercenary and the man who single-handedly founded one of the biggest merc groups; Legion, the collection of 1,000 geth minds; Grunt, a Krogan genetically engineered to be perfect; Jacob "The Prize" Taylor, a very decorated and former Alliance black-ops soldier; and Mordin "Pop Star" Solus, a scientist who eventually stops a brand-new plague on Omega and creates/cures the modified genophage in one short Salarian lifestyle, all while doing it with boss singing skills. Almost all of these characters can now be romance options, even Samara’s daughter Morinth, who will kill Shepard if she sleeps with him, though that did not deter determined players.
Shepard can optionally help crewmates with personal problems, though choosing to not optionally do it could have them optionally die as a result. Throughout the journey, several important plot points are laid down for the future, such as learning about the Quarian/Geth conflict, learning about the possibility of a genophage cure, shooting Conrad Verner, and so forth.
By some stroke of incredible luck or bad/unexplained writing, Cerberus comes across a random Reaper just floating in the galaxy that was killed 37 million years ago that apparently nobody else has found. The galaxy is a pretty big place that finding a random Reaper is unlikely, but that doesn’t matter because this is an important story item. They manage to hack Reaper tech and rip off the IFF, and after what must've been a very cramped shuttle trip while the Collectors strike, they go through the Omega 4 relay.
Also, by chance, a series of new technologies make the SR2 able to beat the hitherto superior (single) Collector ship. Technology advances fast in 3 years apparently, especially when you steal it. The best is the Thannix Cannon, something the Turians unashamedly ripped off of Sovvy's corpse seemingly without telling their councilor that the tech is so far beyond current galactic level (read: not Geth), probably because they feared the councilor’s dismissal through Air Quotes (9999 War Assets) would retcon it from the game. They keep it secret but Cerberus, despite some differences (to put it lightly) manages to buy them. A few bursts of Sovvy's teeth and the Collector ship blows up. The Normandy crash-lands but will be up just in time for Shepard's end run. Shep makes it through with his team, leaving most of his team to hold that line.
Rather than vent the atmosphere, Harby tries to catch Shepard alive, but his idealism blinds him to practicality. He meets the Human Reaper, and after taking his own time to observe it with some helpful input from EDI, it wakes up. Shepard somehow manages to kill a giant-fetus Reaper with normal guns, and as the base gets destroyed from within, he escapes with barely a scratch.
For all intents and purposes, the base should've been impregnable. Harby would've been perfectly within his rights to be like OMGHAX during the entire mission. Sovvy took pride in talking about how organics were "extinguished", but Harby talks about how Reapers are the "salvation" of organics. Seems like the Catalyst never explained to Sovvy what the hell they were actually doing all these billions of years. In fact, it seems more and more that Sovvy was almost a kind of Reaper outcast of sorts, voted off the Island of Dark Space to be a Vanguard of Destruction for Organics Without Being Told Why. Hell, the Catalyst didn't even help him open the Citadel, and Harbinger never “speaks of” him.
Shepard also has a difficult choice in choosing whether or not to destroy the base (a difference of 10 War Assets, but it's the little things that count).
Then comes Arrival. Apparently, Harby was multitasking the entire time, traveling through FTL as he controlled the Collectors, hinting to an answer to the long-standing question of how the latter consistently displayed horrible, Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy skills. The Reapers helpfully tell those studying Artifact Rho that they'd be coming into the Alpha Relay. Unluckily for them, despite the galaxy being big and having trillions of people, Shepard is the one who finds out. In general, it seems that Sovvy may have gotten out a message to some Reaper bros. Or maybe the Catalyst, too lazy to open up the Citadel, woke up them up and told them to trek the hard way. Anyways, when Shepard arrives, Harby, too idealistic for his own good, decides to capture him alive. However, Shepard awakes wholly fine, and without even handcuffs to stop him, proceeds to singlehandedly decimate the indoctrinated forces, managing to destroy the Alpha Relay with just minutes to spare. If he had stopped for a bathroom break, the entire fate of the galaxy would be very different.
Again, Harbinger should've been like OMGHAX as Shepard destroyed the Relay mere minutes near the end of their 3-year FTL journey. To put this in equivalent terms, if the Reapers traveled for 24 hours (1 day), Shepard stopped them about 0.25 seconds before the entire 24 hours were up. But Harby was chill about it. Instead, he took it in stride, conversing with Shepard, even politely telling him to prepare for their arrival. Then he peaces out. Though his voice wasn't as cool as Sovvy, Harby did have better manners.
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III. Mass Effect 3
At the beginning of ME3 we see that Harby's diplomatic banter was in vain. The Alliance heads are only convinced of the Reaper threat when the Reapers freaking shoot at them. Shepard manages to escape the Normandy, which thankfully doesn't get obliterated by the nearby Reaper during the minute-long conversation with Anderson, who was born in London. Unfortunately, a kid dies during this sequence, setting the stage for a series of ambiguous character-development dreams.
Then Shepard goes to Mars, where apparently a Prothean WMD blueprint has been chilling for literally millennia and nobody knew about it. Somehow, despite Liara having found out only recently, Cerberus knows about it. The weapon, the Crucible, is a convenient plot device, because now Shepard can go ahead and do whatever because the true Reaper-beating device will be built in the background of the story. Shepard tries to talk to the Council, and the Council listens and understands, but they generally agree that their continued role in the story is to make Shepard’s life difficult by refusing to unite so easily.
Yet in a startling display of an olive branch, the Turian councilor is first the one who decides to help Shepard fight the Reapers. Rather offer his Air Quotes as War Assets (9999 War Assets) and give the Reapers an existential crisis by refusing their existence, he tells Shepard to go to a moon on Palaven, forcing players to play political games in order to build the deus ex machinima / MacGuffin hybrid that will win the game instead.
Shepard finally comes to Tuchanka. The krogans almost fight amongst each other at Mordin’s arrival, but Eve silences them by reminding them that a Reaper is outside and will likely kill them all anyways. Predictably, car trouble occurs on the road, and Shepard volunteers to trek it. After a bro handshake, he activates the markers to call Kalros, the Mother of All Thresher Maws, because facing a Reaper Destroyer alone is not enough suicide. The Reaper, perhaps reflective of the species it was harvested from, is too stupid to fly off the ground and meets a well-deserved death at the jaws of the Mother of All Thresher Maws, who then peaces out.
Despite being a renegade organization for whom the “end justifies the means”, Cerberus changes its stance to “pure evil” now, and they have upped their game. Creating a galactic network of hideouts, sleeper agents, and a massively large/indoctrinated army and equipping them all takes a ton of resources, and this reveals that TIM could have been much more helpful in ME2 in retrospect. With funding that seems to rival not only planets but entire civilizations, Cerberus, in a self-defeating kind of logic, hampers the Crucible/Allied efforts...for its grand plans that involve using the completed Allied-Effort-Built Crucible to control the Reapers. Walking a fine balance, if Cerberus was "too" successful at dividing the galaxy, it would have still failed without a functional Crucible to use. This can be conveniently hidden behind indoctrination though.
We also meet Javik ("Space Troll"), the last living Prothean who serves as a beacon of hope, knowledge, and historical intrigue for the lore-rich world of Mass Effect, all for the convenient price of $9.99 (before tax). The Ship's AI, EDI, also gets a new body and becomes a squadmate in order to connect with the crew and do things to be more “organic”, such as copulating with Joker. James “Muscles” Vega also joins the game from the beginning, for reasons as enigmatic as the Catalyst itself.
In general, previous squadmates who don’t join your team (because, of course, there are more pressing things than galactic annihilation) pop up in various roles and show their amazing character development, though Jacob remains rather unchanged.
We meet up with a few old favorites as well. Conrad "The Hero" Verner apparently has had a doctoral thesis in xeno-dark-matter-technology or something similarly incomprehensible all this time, and he redeems himself by taking a (possibly fake) bullet for Shepard. Refund Guy, in an end to his determined, inspirational, years-long story, finally can get a refund of 15 credits for his toaster. Khalisah "Punching Bag" Jilani also ups her game, showing herself capable of not only dodging Shepard's canon-punch but even knocking him out, something the Reapers have been unable to do, indicating her deployment could be a viable alternative to the Crucible. Udina attempts a coup, finally giving players a long-awaited excuse to shoot him in a deeply satisfying moment. The Mako is absent again, perhaps deployed as a War Asset in the hopes that the Reapers will kill themselves trying to drive the damn thing.
The Quarians, in a startling display of idiocy unbecoming of races that know how to do FTL travel, decide to attack the Geth right when the Reapers are nearby. Innocently dangling the Carrot of Protection in front of them, the Reapers convince the Geth to give them the Reins to Their Horses by letting down their firewalls for a bit. The Reapers then utterly hack and screw the Geth over. Shep comes to learn about the history of the Quarian/Geth conflict. Basically, the Quarians are complete aholes. Seems like everything's going good on the mission, but when they try to destroy the base with a Normandy strike, it turns out that there was a freaking Reaper napping there, and when it wakes up, it's (understandably) cranky at being shot at with aerial bombardment.
As the gamer watches in awe, Shepard announces his unbelievably heroic, sacrificial, and borderline insane/stupid idea to take on a live Reaper Destroyer on foot, calling down orbital strikes from the entire Quarian Fleet + Normandy. Somehow he manages to dodge the Reaper's advanced-computer-AI-enhanced-targeted-laser-weapon-system, and the Reaper doesn’t shoot side-to-side, indicating that perhaps the Tuchanka one was not the only village idiot. Still, it takes a few strikes of the combined Quarian Fleet to take it out, and on ground, Reapers have to lower their shields anyways for physics reasons. Seems like the Quarians may not be that useful in a fight versus thousands of Reapers anymore, but everyone loves Tali so the Quarians are probably going to be saved anyways. The Rannoch Reaper decides to give a few unhelpfully cryptic and short departing words of wisdom, perhaps indicating that conversational ability is a prime factor in Reaper Size/Rank (Sovvy/Harby were more talkative). This idea will later be disproved by the Catalyst, to an extent.
We also visit Thessia in order to grab a Prothean VI that will tell us what the Catalyst is because Vigil apparently forgot about the Crucible entirely. Fighting through chaotic warfare as Reaper troops land, gunships get shot down, and actual Sovereign-class Reapers land in the background, Shepard comes to a temple where everything is quiet and safe. The Prothean VI cryptically hints at the Reapers having a master, but this is overshadowed by the forced-character-foil-to-Shepard-who-has-a -wtf?-sword, “Lieutenant Bastard” Kai Leng*, colloquially
źródło: comment_qFFQqUQTxXWc1GHuGu7vy2sQwrsgNM38.jpg
PobierzPrzeczytam jak będę w domu ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
albo jak ktoś rzuci na mnie Stasis xD
I przypomniało mi jak kisłem po premierze ME3 z komiksów o Marauder Shields. xD